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GENDER JOKES

Because We Are Men

If we stay at home and do the housework, we're pansy. 
If we work too hard, there is never any time for her and the kids. 
If we don't work hard enough,  we're a good for nothing layabout.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, that's exploitation. 
If we have a boring repetitive job with low pay, we should get off out butts and find something better.

If a man gets a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a promotion ahead of a man, that is equal opportunity.

If we mention how nice she looks, that is sexual harassment.
If we keep quiet, that is typical male indifference.
If we cry, we're a little girl.
If we don't, we're an insensitive bastard.

If he makes a decision without consulting her, he's a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without regard for his feelings, then she's a liberated woman.
If he asks her to do something for she doesn't enjoy, that is domination.
If she asks him it's a favour.

If we appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, we're sexual perverts.
If we don't notice, we're poofters.
If we like woman to keep in shape and shave her legs, that is sexist.
If we don't care, that is unromantic.
If we try to keep ourselves in shape, that is vanity.
If we don't, we're slobs.

If we buy her flowers, we're after something.
If we don't. we're forgetful.
If we are proud of our achievements, we're up ourselves.
If we aren't, we're not ambitious.
If we ask for a cuddle, we never think of anything but sex.
If we're totally wreck after a bad day at the office, we never give a stuff about other people's needs.

If she has a headache, it's because she's tired.
If he has a headache, it's because he doesn't love her anymore.
If we want sex too often, we're over sexed.
If we can't perform on cue, there must be someone else.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using politically incorrect and bad language during the execution of their duties.  Due to complaints from some employees and customers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

However, we do realize the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with others.  With this in mind, the Personnel Section has compiled a list of code phrase replacements so the proper exchange of ideas and informative can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive co-workers.

DOG JOKES

You know you're a dog person when...

* You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and dog crates than you have dogs.
* You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3 times.
* You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your dog.
* Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our granddogs.")
* 90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, sounds and FAQs, etc.).
* You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself.
* No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on their clothes.
* You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy establishment.)
* You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way to trim your dog's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.
* Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.
* The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.
* You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene.
* All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.
* The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have now?"
* Your photo Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans optional).


Does Your Dog Own You?

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

* You believe every dog is a lap dog.
* If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
* You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
* You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
* You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
* You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
* No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).
* You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
* You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
* You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
* You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
* You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
* Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
* When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
* You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
* You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
* Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.


Creation
(According To Canine Historians)

On the first day God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy & the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to walk the dog.


Dogs New Year's Resolutions

1. I will not eat other animals' poop.
2. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
3. I will not eat my own vomit.
4. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
5. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
6. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
7. I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
8. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
9. I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.
10. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
11. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
13. I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
14. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
15. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
16. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
17. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
18. I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.

More jokes will be added later.  Keep checking back. :)
 

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